retroBlog

“well, hello again. how ya doin’?” a voice appears out of nowhere in the dimly lit parking lot startling a woman in her mid-thirties loading groceries in her minivan.

“ummmm, hi. i’m fine,” she said hoping the man would just go away.

“mmmmm. *fine* is right,” the stranger remarked with a smirk, inching closer to the woman who’s noticeably perturbed about the man being there.

eeewwwww. the woman tries desperately to transfer the grocery bags from the cart to the van as quickly as humanly possible.

luckily a grocery store employee who was in the vicinity rounding up carts saw that the woman was in distress and swung by to wait for her to finish loading her groceries.

seeing that the employee wasn’t going to leave, the creep finally slinks away.

“why do i always attract these creeps every time i go out??” she screams at me after arriving home from the store visibly all frazzled from the incident.

she continues on her rant, “do i have a red target on me? or the kmart special blue light flashing above my head? why do strange men come and try to talk to me when all i want to do is get groceries for my family and get right back home!!!!”

i tried to put a positive spin on it. “obviously it’s because you’re attractive and you can’t help but get men’s attention.”

“then why can’t it be Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp? why is it always quasimodo or some grease monkey from jiffy lube?” she asked as she hands me the milk.

“i don’t know. but shoot. i’d love to get some attention. normally i just get ignored by everyone. i’d have to wave a big red flag wildly in the air to get somebody to look at me,” i said trying to bring the overall volume down.

“that’s why, you’re going to go get the groceries from now on,” she said to me as she places some produce into the refrigerator.

surprised at the new development i stammered back, “h-h-honey, you know i’m terrible at picking out produce!”

“well, you’ll get the hang of it,” she said with finality.

crap.

damn those creepy men hanging out at the grocery store. damn you all.

…and just think, i’ll be joining all those Mike Damone-types real soon!

i better get me some hair gel and a members-only jacket so that i can fit right in.